


Sherlock Holmes: The Owners' Guide And Maintenance Manual

by orphan_account



Category: Sherlock - Fandom
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-11-14
Updated: 2013-11-14
Packaged: 2018-01-01 13:50:14
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,241
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1044710
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Congratulations! You are now the owner of a fully-automated SHERLOCK unit. To ensure that you get the full use and benefits of your Consulting Detective, please pay close attention to the following instructions.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Sherlock Holmes: The Owners' Guide And Maintenance Manual

Sherlock Holmes: The Owners' Guide And Maintenance Manual

Congratulations! You are now the owner of a fully-automated SHERLOCK unit. To ensure that you get the full use and benefits of your Consulting Detective, please pay close attention to the following instructions.

*

Basic Information:

Name: Holmes, Sherlock.

Date Of Manufacture: January 6th, 1981.

Place Of Manufacture: ACD Co. (Moffat/Gatiss Subdivison), England Division.

Height: 1.83 m

Weight: Unknown

*

Your SHERLOCK unit will come with the following accessories:

One black overcoat

One blue scarf

One Purple Shirt of Sex

One white shirt (equally as sexy)

One pair of pajamas

When you first open your SHERLOCK unit, he will probably deduce everything about you. Get on his good side by not telling him to piss off.

*

Programming:

Your SHERLOCK unit is a self proclaimed "high functioning sociopath" and consulting detective, and can carry out the following functions:

Consulting Detective – We can hardly imagine what kind of crimes you'll be needing solved, but if they capture your SHERLOCK unit's interest, he will be able to solve them within the day. Don't try to help unless he asks, or you may disrupt the function.

Date Ruiner – All you need to do is give him a target. John down the street, Mycroft and Lestrade. If your unit is bored, he will likely insist upon tagging along, effectively cock-blocking the entire ordeal.

Violinist – Not reccomended past 12 AM, but may be unavoidable. He can play well, really. However we suggest you purchase earplugs.

Study Buddy – If you don't mind being constantly insulted, that is. We're sure he'll help. A bit. Maybe.

*

Your SHERLOCK unit comes with five different modes:

-Bored: Default mode. Your unit should not be allowed to have guns when this mode is active. Unless you like to play casual rounds of Russian Roulette, and enjoy walls riddled   
with bullet holes. On second thought, have you tried playing Cluedo with him? Your unit will remain in Bored mode at all times, unless Detective or Sociopath mode are activated.

-Detective: Activated when presented with a crime to solve, or when confronted with other such puzzles. If no JOHN WATSON unit is within reach upon activation, you may be dragged along as a replacement. Make sure your schedule is cleared for the day, as there is no getting out of it.

-Friendly: Activated when your SHERLOCK unit wants something, either from you, or someone else. Be wary with friendly mode, as it may be confused with Friend mode, and may leave someone rather confused and/or disappointed when the unit goes back to its usual surly self around them.

-Friend: Not to be comfused with "friendly" mode. This mode is permanent upon activation, and includes such details as your unit carrying out the Milk Buying program, or perhaps even Casual Touching. It will also mean your SHERLOCK unit will feel even more comfortable with crashing around in your kitchen, and rearranging your furniture as   
needed. Actually a rather nice mode.

-Sociopath: Your unit may have gone into Sociopath mode if a JOHN WATSON or MRS HUDSON unit is put in immediate danger. We suggest you stay out of the way and let whatever creative violent outburst SHERLOCK has planned play itself out.

*

Relations with other units:

JOHN WATSON: The unit SHERLOCK gets on best with, it is reccomended that your SHERLOCK unit spends adequate time with a JOHN each week to lessen the liklihood of an overdose caused by boredom. JOHN units become occassoinally fed up with SHERLOCK units, but will sort themselves out.*

IRENE ADLER: It is possible that an IRENE unit will express romantic interest in your SHERLOCK unit, but should not be worried about. SHERLOCK has little interest and can handle himself around IRENE. If an IRENE unit shows up in your sitting room, especially nude, it is reccomended you give her some clothes and let her out before SHERLOCK sees.

JIM MORIARTY: Perhaps the most complicated relationship your unit has. It is somewhat reccomended that SHERLOCK and MORIARTY units are kept seperate, but if a MORIARTY unit is on a crime spree in your area, a SHERLOCK unit is the only way to stop him. MORIARTY may come around for tea on occassion, and it is okay for him to be in the room with   
SHERLOCK as long as they've both been checked for weapons. Keep an eye on their relations, but don't get in the way. You'll probably end up with a sniper on you sooner or later.

GREG LESTRADE: Aside from the occassional drugs bust, these two units get along fine.

MYCROFT HOLMES: It is suggested the HOLMES units spend as little time together as possible. SHERLOCK finds his brother annoying and will be generally grumpy if MYCROFT hangs around.

MOLLY HOOPER: SHERLOCK has no problems with MOLLY. In fact, he might not even notice when she's there. Aww.

SALLY DONOVAN: Do not leave these units alone together. It will only end in anger.

MRS. HUDSON: These two units get along fine. In fact, it is suggested a MRS HUDSON unit should live nearby every SHERLOCK, just so there's someone to make sure he eats and   
doesn't blow anything up.

ANDERSON: SHERLOCK units only ever speak to an ANDERSON unit to tell him to shut up. No real problems to be aware of here.

*It should be noted anyone interested in attempting to "ship" your SHERLOCK unit should consult an official representative before setting up dates.

*

Cleaning: The SHERLOCK unit is fully capable of cleaning himself. Your house is another matter.

Energy: The SHERLOCK unit may go days without eating, and it is suggested you remind him to do so every once in a while.

*

Frequently Asked Questions:

Q: SHERLOCK took over the kitchen. I don't think anything in there is even safe to eat anymore!  
A: Probably not. Just get take-away for a while, before you can do a deep-clean and maybe buy a mini fridge for your own food if you're concerned about cross-contamination?

Q: Sherlock's been in his room for three days straight... I dunno if he's eaten or anything but he won't come out?  
A: If he won't respond to you, try getting a JOHN or MRS HUDSON unit to coax him out. Even LESTRADE with a new case would help. Don't worry, though, it's normal.

Q: Who the hell is this guy? I asked for Sherlock Holmes, you know, ROBERT DOWNEY JR? Not frickin' Star Trek guy.  
A: You were accidentally shipped a BBC Sherlock unit. Get him back in the box and we'll send someone with a replacement.

Q: Okay so I just found... I think it's cocaine... And that's super-illegal, right? But Sherlock won't get rid of it.  
A: Yeah, definately cocaine. There's nothing really to do, though. LESTRADE units won't bust him on it.

Q: THERE ARE GUNSHOT HOLES IN MY WALL. WHAT DO I DO?  
A: Call a drywall repairsman.

Q: I got a Mycroft unit a couple weeks ago, but now Sherlock has shut himself in his room, and won't stop playing violin. Do I have to get rid of one of them?  
A: One of them will have to go.

*

Warranty: With proper care, the SHERLOCK unit should never die, unless a JIM MORIARTY unit is successful in convincing him to commit suicide. However, if you get annoyed with the lazy arse, you can always send him back to our company for a full refund (within six months of purchase).


End file.
